Oh well hello there

So.. I'm currently travelling for the first time. I'm in NEW ZEALAND MUTHAFUKAS and I'm just getting into my second month here in the North Islands. I'm currently living in Tauranga at a home stay in a rented double bedroom with my sister... but soon we won't be living together any more.

You see, we are sisters. Siblings can either handle to live together or not at all. But most of the time they are able live together because we already know how well we deal with our daily problems. We know our likes, dislikes, what we like to eat, what we don't, and how to keep each other up on our feet. We have been through thick and thin together back at home. However, there will ALWAYS be conflict that will occur depending on the situation.

There would be frustrations and stress. Lots of it. I'm still learning to understand why I am here. Why I get stressed like this, why this is happening to me. Some I am starting to understand, some I don't unless I understand it the hard way. And... in my gut, I feel that the only way for me to see what I can do and what I can't is if I go travel solo for a while.

I am still learning how to travel, I am still finding out what I need to know about travelling. I keep forgetting that I am eighteen. I will always be learning, everywhere I go especially if I am alone. I have never done this before. I'I'm slowly becoming independent and changing what I can, but I can't change over a night. There are conflicts that are unavoidable when there is constant anger. I realise that it's constantly there. The anger, the frustration, the stress.

Its' been so much harder going through our problems together because we are used to taking stress and frustration and misery on each other. Well. We try not to, it's terrible, it's not right because I think it's horrible and hurtful (especially when I am the receiver) but sometimes I don't know when I do that to her or when she is doing that to me. I'm not all that good at pointing out when we do something that is morally wrong. But it happens all the time, I want to stop it. I don't want to keep constantly tip-toeing around her when she is uptight and angry.

I have no intentions of doing any of this, but since I'm just starting to take responsibility I feel like I'm still putting more on my sister than I realise. Because we are together, I don't think she trusts me to take care of my own problems or handle any of our daily needs such as accommodation, travel, income...

Every argument about me, I want to speak up. Every time she uses a tone in which I feel silly, like I always felt, I close up right away and I don't want to talk. I feel useless and pathetic. I feel guilty, hurt, frustrated at her, at myself, at my decision of coming here and everything that caused the problem. I want to speak up, but I can't because everything I say would be shot down. It's really difficult being the younger sibling. I listen to every word she says. I honestly don't think that I'm like that around other people.  But I wished we weren't so negative when a problem appears. But I guess that's impossible to avoid knowing us.

Which I understand since I'm used to being unwilling and dependant. Which was what I was doing most of the time back in England. We are together... but now I'm deciding to go alone. I want to find out how I can be more independent, more reliable, and learn to become more responsible. I have seeked her guidance for all my problems, even now, but im trying hard not to and when I dont she gives advice to me anyway, which im thankful for.

But I'm reluctant to ask now because the whole point of

Thursday 24th December 2015